Nilabh.
I'm in my forties, based in Bangalore, with a job I don't dislike — and a running list in my head I can't put down. Things I need to do. Things I've been meaning to do. Things I probably don't need to do but feel guilty ignoring anyway.
I tried systems, apps, colour-coded calendars. None of it helped, because the problem was never organisation — it was that I couldn't tell what actually mattered from what had just learned to sound urgent. And on the harder nights, there was nowhere to put the weight. Not at 11pm. Not without burdening someone. I'd type a few words to nobody, delete them, and sleep with it still there.
Therapy felt like admitting something was wrong. Meditation needed a stillness I didn't have. Every productivity tool gave me more to manage. I wasn't broken — I was just full, and nothing was built for that specific feeling.
Yohaanei is.
A story most nights, two minutes long. A quiet room to say what's there when that isn't enough. Nothing tracked, nothing to unlock, nothing that asks you back before you're ready.
Yohaanei is my son's name, remade. Yohaan — it means God is gracious. The 'ei' I added: environment, the internet, the innerself. Three things we're always inside, rarely quiet in.
He's too young to understand what it means. But a name is a kind of wish.
Arrive as you are. Put something down. Leave a little lighter.
If something here helped, or something felt off, or you just want to say hello — nilabh@yohaanei.com